Why Change Feels So Hard (And Why That’s Not Your Fault)

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “A woman is like a tea bag - you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”

I just love this quote. It so perfectly captures the truth about change.

The moment we try to shift a habit, reframe our thinking, or step into something new, we step into the “hot water” (aka discomfort and resistance). And it’s there - in the struggle - that our strength shows up.

Like many, I used to believe that it was my inherent laziness and lack of motivation that held me back from making the changes I wanted in my career and life.

But the truth is, change is hard for all us. Really hard.

If you’ve ever tried to stick with an exercise routine, set boundaries at work, or shift a belief about something, you already know this. You start strong, then old habits pull you back. It’s at this point that the self-criticism can start to make itself heard (e.g., “I was never going to get that promotion anyway, I’m not smart enough. I won’t bother applying next time.”

What’s interesting here, is that change has less to do with willpower than you might assume. I think it can be hugely empowering to know that a key reason you find it hard to change is that your brain is actually wired to resist it.

Let’s unpack why.

1. Change requires effort (a lot of effort)

Your brain is a prediction machine. It way prefers efficiency and habits, over intentional, deep thought. The thing is, the more we think a thought, the stronger that thought pathway becomes. In other words, neurons that fire together wire together. When we think thoughts repeatedly, we are create frameworks in our minds that become our beliefs.

Over time, things like procrastinating or criticising yourself become automatic. You do them without thinking because they’re habits.

In short - It takes a lot of energy to change your thinking and your behaviours. Rewiring needs conscious effort.

2. Change is uncomfortable

We prioritise short-term comfort over long-term growth. This is known as present bias. We’re wired to seek rewards “right now” (like scrolling Instagram or eating the chocolate) over delayed benefits (like finishing the book or going to the gym).

Even when we know something is good for us long-term, the emotional pull of "right now" is strong.

In short - We’re always battling a built-in preference to feel good now. To change, we have to embrace the discomfort.

3. Change is scary - even when it’s good

Our brains hate uncertainty. But all change carries some uncertainty and unfortunately, our brains see this as a problem. Even when something good happens, like taking a promotion or ending a unhealthy relationship, the change can makes us feel anxious, resistant, or a bit afraid.

In short - Fear can be a green light. It’s often a sign that you’re stretching outside your comfort zone. That’s where the good stuff starts to happen.

4. Change is messy

I always find myself expecting change to be linear. It’s not.

Our pattern seeking brains tell us change should look like this:

Decide → Act → Succeed.

But in real life, it’s more like:

Decide → Try → Fail → Adjust → Try Again → Slowly Improve (probably fail again at some point)

In short - Failure is normal and expected, but perfectionism and shame can make us give up too early.

5. Change takes time and repetition

Lasting change usually comes from small, repeated behaviours, not big one-off actions. Motivation is fleeting, but systems are sustainable. Without the right routines, we easily fall back into old patterns.

And building new habits and systems takes time!

In short: James Clear (Atomic Habits) says, “You don’t rise to the level of your goals; you fall to the level of your systems”.

So, the next time you feel stuck or frustrated, remember: it’s not you. Change takes energy, discomfort, courage, messy trial and error, and repetition. And while it may feel like “hot water,” that’s exactly where your strength begins to emerge.

Because as Eleanor Roosevelt reminds us, a woman’s true strength is revealed not in the easy moments, but in the challenge of change. That’s where we rise to the level of our aspirations.